When the house went up for sale, my Baba had to go and live with my uncle, until our new house was built. We had to move into a row house, and live with my paternal grandparents, in the meantime. It was sad, I heard that years before we moved in, the toaster caught fire and burnt part of the house down. My Great Grandmother, died in that fire. She got caught in the upstairs bedroom, and couldn't get out in time. I still get chills thinking about it. This was not a happy time for me. My Baba, who I loved and adored, had to move out, temporarily. I didn't get along with my grandparents. They favored my brother, and let's just say, were not very warm and loving to me.
One day my sister went to the drugstore with her girlfriend, and passed out. She was in a coma for seventy two hours. It was a very scary time. The good news is she came out of it, but for me things changed. They never did find out what happened. One of those mysteries of life. Needless to say, because of the uncertainty of the situation, and not knowing if it would happen again, everybody's attention was turned towards her. My life was never the same after that. I felt like the lost child. No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it did happen and it did affect my life.
My sister was beautiful. She was second runner up in the Miss Maryland contest. I was skinny, gawky and had no self esteem. My sister was the wild child. She was popular and had many dates. I on the other hand didn't date until my high school prom. Actually, I preferred hanging with girlfriends. Do not feel sorry for me. I was a late bloomer. I am perfectly happy with the way I blossomed.
My older brother, is so important in my life. He has always been there for me. He helped me through many rough situations in my life. When he was in his forties he had a major stroke. I was devastated. Why do bad things happen to good people? Thank goodness he came through it. That is all you need to know. He calls me every morning at 10:00, after my stock show. He is my rock. I love him all the way up to the sky.
I must mention my sister- in- law/sister, Janice. She was taken way to soon. She died of cancer. No one should go through, what she went through. She never complained. She was my angel. I was blessed, to have had her in my life. She only spoke kind words. When I asked her what she would come back as, she said a star. I have seen her. She is the brightest star in heaven. Rest In Peace, Janice, you will always have, a special place in my heart.
My sweet mother-in-law, Bessie. How lucky can I get. My father-in-law Morris, what a kind, gentle, man, he was. Morris died of cancer twenty two years ago. Bessie lived alone until she was 90. She took a fall, and we put her in the same Nursing Home as my mother. They were roommates for a while, until they stopped getting along. We had to separate them. Bessie (RIP), you showed me love and kindness, and I will love you forever.
As I think back, I realize how much my mother had on her plate. She was married at eighteen. Seems like every time my daddy came back from the war, she had another child. I was a mistake. One of those diaphragm, gone wrong babies. I never felt the closeness, her and my sister had, and I regret that to this day. After my daddy (RIP), died, my mother fell, pumping gas, and was thrown into major dementia. She probably had beginning stages, before she fell, but we had no idea. Anyway my hubby and I cleaned out her apartment. We admitted her to a Nursing Home, after she left the hospital. In the beginning, the Nursing Home was great, until it wasn't. We were all like a family. I went everyday. We even went to the New Year's Eve parties. Jake was one of my favorites. I loved hearing about his life. His mind was amazing, he was so sharp and funny. He always had the best stories. I was thinking of getting a bed and moving in. It was hard for me to have a life. I was totally absorbed in her life. It was beyond sad, watching her deteriorate. All she wanted was for me to stay and never leave. I wrote a book. It was called Betty And The Bear. My neighbor/friend Robin did the pictures. It was about a woman, who went to live in a Nursing Home. She was really scared, but she had this bear, that would stay with her. When I put her to bed, I would give her the bear, and read her the short story. I told her, she wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. The bear was there to take care of, and protect her, when I left. She lived in the first Nursing Home for seven years.. New management came in, and it was a nightmare. I had to move her out. No need to go into particulars. You can believe all the bad stories, you've heard about nursing homes. I told my hubby, he had my permission to kill me, but never, ever, put me in a Nursing Home. I moved her to another beautiful home in Ellicott City. It was a definite upgrade. They put her in a lock down unit. That was hard. She was there two more years until she died. I was showing a house when I got the call. My mother was in the hospital again, for a urinary tract infection, which she was prone to. I said do I need to come now. The doctor said no, you have time. He told me he would call me, if I was needed. I immediately left my client and sped home. My hubby, needed to eat, so we did. The doctor said I had time, no problem. After dinner, I called my brother. We went to pick him up, and on the way to the hospital, the doctor called. He said, my mother, had passed away. No, no, there must be a mistake. I thought, you told me she had time. I'm sorry he said, I had no idea this was going to happen. I will never forgive myself, for not going right to that hospital. I still cannot believe I was not there. For nine years, I took care of her, and when she needed me most, I wasn't there. I cannot stop the rain coming out of my eyes, so I will leave it here.
When you cannot take care of a loved one, and have to put them in a Nursing Home it is very difficult. There are many emotions you go through. Nursing Homes are needed, so I don't want to totally, discredit them. Most people, from what I have been told, don't last nine years in a home. There are some very dedicated people, that devote their time and love to the patients. It is a very hard job. I respect the good and dedicated people, that work in Nursing Homes. However, there is a element of bad people, that work there, that are not nice to the patients. I have no tolerance for them. I have seen things, no one should ever see. Yes, I have seen patients abused. There is NO excuse for that kind of behavior. I applaud the people, who treat their patients with the love and respect they deserve.
And so today I repent for my sins, can't think of any I had this year, and reflect on my life. I spend so much time, caught up in living my life, I haven't really stopped to think about it. Writing this blog has given me pause to do that. When I was younger, it seemed like time stood still. I remember, Sundays, used to never end. There weren't as many options, back then. Most places, closed on Sunday. As the years went by, that changed. With the expansion of commerce, more stores, malls, and the inner harbor, opened on Sunday. As I got older, time seemed to speed up. It was the weirdest thing, one day I woke up, and realized, I was no longer the newest tool in the shed. When I first started selling real estate, I was the youngest in the office, and then in the blink of an eye, I wasn't the youngest anymore. I have no idea how it happened. I thought I would work forever and then one day, everything changed. It wasn't the same. It wasn't fun anymore. Newer, young people came in, welcome electronics. The personal touch and camaraderie disappeared. It was all about the text. I was lucky to have all of my family, until one day my luck ran out. In the span of a couple years, I lost my daddy, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, and my mother. All the shopping in the world, could not fill that void. Nothing seemed quite as special anymore. It gave me a whole new outlook on life. Changed my priorities. Things that used to matter, don't anymore. Material things have lost importance to me. I long for and miss the family, the love and personal touch, that was so meaningful to me. All the, I wish I could have, perhaps I should have, why didn't I, are too late. I can't sleep. It's 4:00 in the morning, I sit at my computer writing away. I still have so much to be thankful for, and happy about, but at this moment I feel sad and alone. I find the holidays the hardest. What used to be a big family, celebrating together, at home, has shrunk to so small, we eat out. It will never be the same. Like I said in the beginning of this post, you deal with the hand, you're dealt. I'm so thankful, for the people who are in my life now. With the sadness comes a new appreciation, and openness, I have never felt before. I have grown and changed from that gawky, low self esteem, skinny, little girl. One correction, I will always be that little girl. I refuse to grow up.
OK, I think that is enough reflection for one night. I look forward to whatever new adventures are in store for me. Until the next holiday, and the next reflection...
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